Dear Charlotte,

Hi sweet girl. I haven’t written to you here since you were a baby and now we are two months away from you being 7. That’s far too long! But, we’re in an extraordinary time in the world – it seems fitting to tell you about it in the ways I can’t right now.

Our entire planet is in the midst of a global pandemic. The last one of any comparable size was 102 years ago – the Spanish Flu of 1918-1920. Everything is so weird right now – we are practicing a thing called “social distancing” which is basically a really fancy way of saying stay away from  other people. I work from our guest room now, you do school online from the kitchen table and your dad is holding us together.

Last week, Idaho ordered all non-essential businesses to close and all non-essential employees to stay at home. For so many people, this means they don’t have a job or any income – people are very afraid. Not only of a virus that is moving fast and killing people horribly but also afraid of what their life looks like without work or money.

We are lucky to be where we are – back in Boise after 4 years away, in a house we can afford, your school is doing amazing at virtual learning and your dad is doing incredible at working through it with you, I can and am working like “normal” from home – whatever normal is now.

Even though we’re lucky,  I’m sad and scared and anxious a lot of the time. I’m sad because I miss our family – we haven’t seen Papa and Mauggie, Mimi and Ghaaaaa or your Auntsy in weeks. Abbie is alone in SLC and we all worry about her so far away. It’s been even longer for our friends. I miss them and so do you – so we’re doing a lot of video calls and texting these days. I’m scared that someone we love will get it or that one of us will. Even though we’d likely be ok, the thought of you going through that fear makes me so concerned I can barely look at it without sobbing. And all of this plus the economic concerns has me anxious all of the time.

I worry how much of our anxiety you are picking up on. You understand this is a disease and it is bad, you understand why and how we need to protect the people around us. Your dad has a cold and you barely slept last night – finally, this morning, you told me you were afraid it was coronavirus. So we talked about it and that he doesn’t have the symptoms and is feeling better today – you seem to have calmed down and feel better. But I worry about what you’re worrying about.

You, my precious girl, are an actual miracle. You are kind and funny, smart and interested in everything. You are so loving – it’s the best thing ever. Every day with you is filled with “I love you” and kisses and hugs and sweetness. In the midst of all of this worry around the globe, you tell us regularly how much you like having everyone at home. You thank me for working from home so you can see me during the day, you go nuts with gratitude every time you ride bikes with Daddy (at least once a day). You snuggle and play and are full of joy every day. This time with you is incredible – it’s the bright side of something life changing and world changing. My greatest hope is that you will look back on this pandemic with joy and fondness remembering how we grew and changed together and most of all the amazing year we spent as a family together all of the time.

I love you forever, I am so glad I’m your Mama.

Love,

Mama.

 

Dear Charlie,

Sweet girl, you are 6 months old! It’s almost more than my mama heart can process. In such a short time, you have changed everything so very much- you’ve grown and changed and become so full of life and joy. You’ve changed your daddy and I more than I could ever say. You, our dear girl, are light and life and love and joy. When you get a little older, we will have to cool it. Right now, all we do when we are with you is tell you how fantastic you are. All day, everyday. It’s fine now but, to save you from becoming a terror, that will have to change in the coming months at least a little bit. We’ll see if we can restrain ourselves.

This is the time where you are growing and developing so much. But plenty of people write about the things a 6 month old typically can and cannot do. Instead of cover how you roll around as a mode of transport, how you like peas better than bananas or the way you babble absolutely nonstop (all of which I love), I want to tell you about the things that you do that bring me to tears:

You’ve started reaching for me. Not just a little not, just making me think you might be. But full on, ‘need my mama now’ reaching for me. You reach for me when I get home from work as you pant wildly and and coo and flail and grin with excitement. You reach for me when you are tired of being on your play mat or in your bouncy chair. Best of all, when you are tired at the end of the day, you reach for me to snuggle until you’re ready for sleep. Those cute little hands with the knuckle dimples and baby fingers break my heart in the very best way. It feels, so often like you are a magician reaching out and making me explode with a love I would never have had the ability to feel or process until that moment.

In the mornings, when I come get you as you are stirring, you go from calm and waking up to sooooo excited to see me. Daddy says you do the same thing for him- I’m sure you do. You are so thrilled to see people you love, especially  us. Thank you for that, sweetheart. Being loved by you is more than I can describe- it is joy and awe and fills us with the deepest desire to do right by you.

As expected, our families are smitten with you. Your unky calls you Charles and tells you what a cute man you are- much to his amusement and my slight chagrin combined with joy. Your aunties swoon over you every time they get to see you- to a point that I have to ask to have you back when it’s been so long I miss you. Your Grammy and Grandpa adore you and love to spoil you rotten.

Most fun for me, I think, might be watching you with our Mauggie and Papa. They have always been the most wonderful grandparents to me- I am continually thankful that you get the chance to know them. Mauggie calls you “our little sweetie” and she couldn’t be more right. Papa loves every minute with you and won’t let Mauggie trim his beard before he sees you- you love that beard and love to grab it so he wants to make sure you have something to hold onto.

As you have been from the moment we knew you existed, you are well loved. You are delight and joy. You are sweeter than I could ever say- you light up for everyone who smiles at you and, even when you are tired and sick, will do your very best to be happy if you see a friendly face.

I am so proud to be your mama. Like we tell you every day- you’re the best little girl there ever was. You are our favorite.

 

xoxo

Mama

How I love Julia

Dear Charlotte,

Well, Sweet Pea, you turn 3 months old (and 13 weeks) this week! Every week, I tell myself that I’m going to write you a little note to tell you all about how great you are, how you are growing and the things that have changed in such a short time. But, every week, I get distracted by you- snuggling you,  playing with you or watching you cuddle your daddy. You, my dear girl, are absolutely captivating.

You’re full of smiles these days and the happiest girl in the world. I think we’ve really lucked out- you typically are only upset for something we can define- hungry, tired, need changed. Other than that, you are full of smiles and joy. And, with that, you are in constant motion! Daddy calls you ‘kicky girl’ because you’re always panting like a puppy while you kick and flail your arms. It’s so cute and makes it pretty hard to get a good picture of you!

When you smile, it lights up your whole adorable little face. Your cheeks fill with dimples and you make the happiest sounds I’ve ever heard. I melt every time. I’ve had to start getting up extra early during the work week because I am bound to get distracted by you as I get ready. Making you grin and nomming those delicious cheeks is so much better than doing my hair!

You’re getting good at holding up your head and you seem to like being sat up more and more. When we sit you up, you look so much bigger and older- it gives me a little twinge to think you’ve already moved into the “infant” category and aren’t a newborn any more. I used to always laugh a little when people talked about how fast their kids grew. I thought they were ridiculous- “he’s 18! it’s been 18 years!” Now, though, I understand. These three months with you have flown by in a way I never could explain. While I’m so excited to see all of the things ahead of you, a part of me wants to yell “stop! where did my tiny little newborn go?! slow down, i’m not ready!” And this, my dear, is how people end up having more than one. The Mommy goes crazy missing her little newborn and decides to have another.

We’ve packed up all of your newborn clothes and are slowly putting away the 0-3 months and 3 month things as they get too tight. I remember looking at the 3-6 month clothes when you were born and thinking “no way she will be that big that soon” and yet, here you are! Filling them out and looking so very adorable!!

You’ve recently really grown to love your little activity mat. Your favorite thing on it is the mirror. Baby in the Mirror is absolutely your best friend- you will smile at and love her for as long as we will let you. And your very favorite game is when Daddy or I look at her too. You love having everyone put their heads under the mirror to smile at and spend time with that cute baby. We love it too!

One of the best things in our world is how well loved you are- from family to friends to everyone at daycare. I sometimes think your daycare ladies love you almost as much as Daddy and I do. Most evenings, when we pick you up, you smell like them from being held and loved all day. It’s one of the most wonderful things that I never expected. I had no idea how much I would enjoy watching people love you- it’s even better than being loved myself. I’m so happy to be Charlie’s Mom and don’t mind at all if no one ever knows my name and only know me as that.

Your daddy and I love you, little one. You are our very favorite.

xoxo

Mama

Dear Charlotte

Oh my wonderful little sweet pea, how dearly we love you.

We are just a few short days away from you being 8 weeks old and me going back to work. I can’t believe how quickly this time together has flown!

 

You, my sweet girl, are amazing. You are growing so much and so quickly that it feels like I can literally see you getting bigger each second. You started smiling at us a couple of weeks ago- oh how we live for those gummy, dimpley grins. Last weekend, we were FaceTime-ing with your Grammy and you absolutely lit up for her- the biggest grin of all time. She melted on the spot- you are the light of the family, little one!

 

Your daddy and I are so in love with you. It’s amazing to think there was a time when you weren’t here with us. You make us complete and full in a way we never knew we needed. We are so grateful to have you. To get to love you. To be a family together. You are our dream, sweet girl.

 

All of my love,

Mama

Dear Charlotte,

You’re four weeks old today, sweet girl!

Every single day, something is new with you. You’re growing so quickly that I sometimes feel like I can see it happen before my eyes.

Four weeks in our family and you already have a slew of nicknames- sweet pea, pea, little lambie girl, lambie and, on some days, pillzilla. Sweet pea/pea because that is what you are- sweet and tiny and adorable in every way. Lambie because of your cute little cry- you sound like an adorable bleating lamb and it makes it hard to take you too seriously. Pillzilla- in the last few days, you’ve developed a thing where you only sleep for a half hour at a time and then are just awake. And so, your daddy was calling you a pill one day and it became pillzilla. I loved it.

You’re constantly more awake and aware of the world around you. You absolutely love your daddy’s beard- enough that you try to reach for it when he’s making faces at you. It seems like we are a short time away from seeing your sweet little smile and I just can’t wait. I love it when you’re happy and awake while we cuddle- you are getting better and better at making eye contact and interacting with me!

Your whole family adores you. I often wonder if you know that we love you and if there is any way you could know just how much. I spend most of our time together telling you over and over how loved you are- I hope it is sinking in as a truth you’ll always know. My parents have said, so many times, that if they could raise us knowing we were loved and with a good sense of humor, they knew we would be ok. I hope that for you. That you will know you are loved and that you will know it enough to be willing to try things, knowing that if you succeed or fail, your family loves you. And that you will have a sense of humor and self confidence- that you will be able to laugh at yourself, enjoy the world around you and be okay when things don’t necessarily go the way you might have planned.

You are already stubborn and strong willed, just like your parents. I have to confess, I love that too. Even though I know it’s going to make my life difficult sometimes, I love seeing your little spirit start to come out and it makes me so excited for everything that is to come with you.

We love you more than we could ever say, sweet pea. You are the world to us and every day with you is full of joy and love.

All of my love in the world,

Mama

Dear Charlotte,

Sweet girl, you are finally here! You became our beautiful outside baby just 9 days ago, on June 18th, and we could not be happier.

You, my love, are everything we could have hoped for and so very much more. You are beautiful and so sweet and so very feisty. You have a ton of personality and have since your first minutes in this world.

On Tuesday, June 18, I had a doctor appointment where I was hoping they would do something to help me progress a little- I had been having contractions since the Saturday before and was sooo ready to not be pregnant any more and to finally hold you. Then, in a surprise twist, we discovered that you were breech. What we had thought was your head for the last weeks turned out to be your tiny little rear. You were folded in half with your head and feet at the top of my belly- not conducive with making an escape, little one! The only answer was for me to have a c-section and, because I was beginning to progress, we had to do it that day. It was such a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions and practical things that all needed to happen at once! Luckily for me, your sweet daddy was right there with me. I would have been a complete wreck without him but, there he was. Holding my hand and being so excited to meet you.

By 5:30 that evening, I was in the OR, your dad at my side and getting ready to see your sweet little face! You were born at 5:32 with your sweet little body folded in half and your cute feet by your head. Screaming at the top of your lungs and letting us all know that you hand arrived. I have never known such joy. There I was, laying on an operating table, weeping and unable to wipe my eyes- my little girl was here!

Our first days together were in the hospital and were full of family and friends loving us and getting a lot of care from the nurses on the maternity ward. I am so so grateful for those women, they made our first days together wonderful and helped us figure out everything we could as quickly as we could.

We came home with you on Friday and each day since then has been bliss. I was worried about being tired, about learning this new routine, about so many things. But, oh, sweet girl, they don’t matter at all. I love our time together at night- when it’s just you and me, snuggling while you eat. I love the time where we cuddle in bed with your daddy before we put you in your bassinet and try to get some sleep before the next time you need to eat. I love how you are awake a little more each day. How you perk up at the sound of my voice and snuggle into my chest when you’re full and sleepy.

Oh how we love you. There are no words. Like your daddy says, we NEED you. You are everything to us and we are so in love with you. To the moon and back, baby girl.

 

xoxo,

Mama

Link Love

Happy Friday, friends. While Tim and I look forward to weekend and hope that each day might be the day that this baby decides to be an outside baby, I’m also dreaming of all things summer. Rainier cherries, lemon ricotta muffins, peonies on my table… And, of course, things around the internet that I love right now:

• 10 adorable wedding moments
• Hipsters who dress like Jackie from Roseanne. Things like this make me so happy the internet exists.
• Cronuts. If this baby doesn’t come out today, I’m making these tomorrow. And, of course, Gesine has made them for real.
• Story of my life.
• I really want to see this! Looks so great.
• Makes me so happy- Grandmas and their food.
• Convos with my 2 year old. Watch these. Laugh. Repeat.

Have a great weekend! xoxo

Dear Charlotte, (week 38)

Hi baby girl! 38 weeks! It’s so surreal to be at the end of this long journey growing you inside my body. In fact, it’s surreal enough that every time I try to type 38 weeks, I inevitably type 28. Not that I’d like to back track to there… I’m too excited for that!

We are, at 38 weeks, continuing to grow although I’m not sure how much more space my body has for you and I to both occupy it. Last week, you “dropped” which has put my belly even more front and center and given me a distinctive ‘great with child’ gait as I try to get things done around work at home. Everywhere I go, everyone wants to know allll about you. It’s incredibly sweet how many people are so excited for you to come!

Your nursery is officially done and just waiting for you to come enjoy it! I’m so excited about how everything turned out, I really love the space we’ve made for you and hope you will too! Your sweet dad got my car all spic and span ready for you to come so this weekend we can put your seat in.

At this point, we’re just waiting on you, little girl. Anxiously waiting to see your little face, whose nose you have, what color your hair is, what your sweet little hands look like. Anxious to hold you and kiss you. To rock you and love you. To find out who we are as a family with you. I can’t even wrap my head around the reality of you. You, our baby and us, your parents. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake up full of anxiety and wonder- how did God possibly love us enough to give us a you so easily? And is He maybe crazy? What if we aren’t enough? I hope we are. But, in those quiet and dark hours, there you are kicking me like a wild thing while Quincy tries to sleep on top of you. Those kicks are so comforting. Like you’re trying to communicate with me from in there, loving us and wondering just as much about us as we wonder about you.

Any day now, little one. We can’t wait to meet you.

 

xoxo,

Mama

PBS Love

I’m in love with every remix PBS does. Especially if it’s Mr. Rogers or Julia Childs. As such, today is a banner day.

 

 

I love the piece about discovering the truth about ourselves.